the "alleged" attack of the 500 ft marmoset
In Bizzaro World, marmosets are 500 feet tall. One day, a marmoset named El-Mar was sucked into a vortex at the bottom of a mailbox while sending off a cereal rebate to Mills General.
He was transported to Los Angeles, a favorite with 500 foot marmosets in Bizzaro World. In Angeles Los, marmosets treat mini-humans with love and kindness while taking endless pleasure in watching the mini-humans indulge in their favorite pastime—the film making process, particularly the Verbal Gladiator Venture Capital Games.
It was quite a shock for El-Mar when he landed on Hollywood Blvd. His hairy left foot accidentally smashed down and obliterated the red towers of Grauman's Chinese Theater during a premier of The Marmoset Wars. El Mar's faulty landing resulted in the deaths of 300 guests, 200 fans, 65 paparazzi, and three stars of Marmoset Wars, two of which—that night had formed a suicide pact while the latter had previously planned to file for bankruptcy.
The crowd near Grauman's was suitably impressed with the bloody carnage. Naturally, they all assumed El-Mar was an expensive publicity stunt engineered by MGM for the premiere. Imagine their collective surprise as El-Mar turned, still confused by the effects of inter-dimensional travel and blinded by the many searchlights, opened his mouth and said, "folks, that about Sorry. Me am hell the Where? home get Me do How? searchlights annoying those off turn to as kind so be please someone Could? you Thank."
Normally, marmosets from Bizzaro World keep their chatter with mini-humans to a whisper, so as not to frighten them. What the crowd heard was a 3,000 decibel level screech, the likes of which cannot be produced in this narrative, and is better not heard, written, or described.
With thousands suffering from perforated eardrums, the crowd started to flee. They stampeded their way back to parking structures,fumbled for their car keys, and screamed into their cell phones. The screeching of the marmoset was so deafening that many 911 operators immediately hung up and left the panicked callers on hold.
Meanwhile, El-Mar, having stamped out the pesky searchlights, activated his infrared night vision to attempt to save those unfortunates who were in danger of being trampled. He picked up one small boy wearing glow-in-the-dark striped Nikes and a Marmoset Wars shirt. The boy, the son of the executive producer of Marmoset Wars, laughed. He was happy to be so high in the air in the protective grasp of a friendly monster until a stray bullet from an LAPD helicopter flying around El-Mar's head accidentally pierced the boy's skull. He collapsed in El-Mar's paw without a sound.
Annoyed, El-Mar gently back-handed the helicopter. The velocity carried the remains of the helicopter through the air in a northwesterly direction, where it landed in the middle of State Street in Santa Barbara and destroyed three sports bars, an Urban Outfitters, and the favorite local coffeehouse. After this unfortunate incident, the city council (many of them former patrons of the aforementioned sports bars) passed a town ordinance that forbade the ownership of marmosets, and in a wise move, imposed a three-minute time limit at poetry open mics.
El-Mar spotted a platoon of helicopters coming his way. Ignoring the screams, he gently set the boy back down on the pavement (El-Mar was not aware that the boy survived, and that after many years of therapy, he found employment as a copy boy and stock person at Kinko's instead of becoming the Rhodes Scholar and U.N. diplomat he was destined to be). In two giant strides, he stepped over three sets of buildings and made his way down Sunset Blvd. The damage his footprints left behind destroyed the MTA's plans for westward expansion of the Red Line and backed up traffic on Fountain Ave. for two years. This lowered the property values in West Hollywood between Fairfax and La Brea, which caused a mass exodus of upwardly mobile industry folk, Russian émigrés, Orthodox Jews, and Queer Nation advocates to relocate to Sherman Oaks and Reseda.
In less than five minutes, El-Mar was in Pacific Palisades stomping straight into the ocean. The last anyone saw of him on the Left Coast was the tip of his green tail (in Bizzaro World, the colors of 500 foot marmosets are lavender, electric green, and canary yellow) sinking down like a periscope into the waters of the Pacific.
Twelve hours later, a tired, but hopeful El-Mar emerged from the ocean onto the shores of Kobe, Japan. El-Mar had lived in Kobe for a few years, and has a certain affinity with the mini-islanders.
Realizing this wasn't a Tamogoche nightmare, the residents of Kobe looked up at the giant marmoset looming over the horizon, scratched their heads, and said to each other,"Oh great. We JUST got rid of that pesky Godz-..."