ISSN 1551-8086
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   poets list
   Francisco Dominguez & Aire Celeste Norell
   Marie Lecrivain & Angel Uriel Perales
   Sheikha A.
   Steve Abee
   L. Ward Abel
   Carl Abt
   Han Adcock
   Elizabeth Addis
   Aderemi Adegbite
   Adeolu Emmanuel Adesanya
   Neil Aitken
   M.I Akande
   Shahd Al-Shemmari
   Lynn Albanese
   Gwyndyn Alexander
   Nicole Alexander
   Alaina Renee Alexander
   Scott Alexander
   Inalegwu Omapada Alifa
   Maureen Alsop
   Rafael Alvarado
   Steven Alvarez
   Veronica An
   Amy Anderson
   Kristine Anderson
   G.D. Anderson
   Zack Anderson
   Lori Anderson-Moseman
   Grace Andreacchi
   Renae Andruse
   Arlene Ang
   Roger Angle
   Stephen Anstay
   Azure Antoinette
   Theresa Antonia
   Aurora Antonovic
   Maria A Arana
   Carlye Archibeque
   Joseph Armstead
   Feral Artist
   Baron James Ashanti
   Charlene M. Ashendorf
    Askew
   Gregory Austin
   Shawn Aveningo
   maeghanne ayers
   Goodness Lanre Ayoola
   John-Patrick Ayson
   Jim Babwe
   Sophie Bachard
   Vasile Baghiu
   Bridget Bagne
   song-hue bahk
   Michael Baker
   Prerna Bakshi
   Anna Balint
   David Banuelos
   Jared Barbick
   J. Mae Barizo
   Peter Barlow
   Matthew A. Barraza
   James Barros
   Jeni Bate
   Jonathan Beale
   Richard Beban
   Gary Beck
   Gary Beck
   Lytton Bell
   Hakim Bellamy
   Michele Beller
   Laura Bellotti
   Stefanie Bennett
   Hayley Berariu
   Lawrence Berger
   Kevin Berger
   Mike Berger, Ph.D.
   Tom Berman
   luis cuauhtemoc berriozabal
   Craig Berry
   Nick Bertelson
    Besskepp
   Mary Rose Betten
   Cheryl Beychok
   Gwendolyn Beyer
   François Biajoux
   Heitham Black
   Jarvis Black
   Beau Blue
   Rose Mary Boehm
   Bonnie Bolling
   Julie Bolt
   Lek Borja
   Cristogianni Borsella
   Gerald Bosacker
   Amanda Boschetto
   Wendy Bourke
   Jack G. Bowman
   Jennifer Bradpiece
   Bob Bradshaw
   Marcielle Brandler
   Peter Branson
   Sumiko Braun
   Adam Bresson
   Quiana Briggs
   Jack Bristow
   paulo brito
   Alan Britt
   Michelle Brodeur
   Lynne Bronstein
   Charles Brooks
   Leah Brown
   Deborah Edler Brown
   Adam Levon Brown
   Jason Sanford Brown
   zoey brown
   Bob Browning
   Sir Mark Bruback
   MC Bruce
   Jeffrey Bryant
   Kate Buckley
   Robin M. Buehler
   Ron Burch
   Graham Burchell
   Maria Rose Burgio
   Betsy Burke
   Matt Burns
   Richard Burrill
   Tony Bush
   Zachary C. Bush
   Elissa Calvin
   Joseph Camhi
   Dana Campbell
   Velene Campbell
   Don Kingfisher Campbell
   Neil Campbell
   Don Kingfisher Campbell
   Luis Campos
   Janine Canan
   Lyn Cannaday
   Pasquale Capacosa
   Joey Capone
   HélÚne Cardona
   Britton Laine Carducci
   D.J. Carlile
   Julia Carlson
   Alicia Carpenter
   Jonathan Carr
   Patricia Carragon
   Oscar Carrasco
   Jared Carter
   Michael Aaron Casares
   John Casey
   Lisa Castro
   Rachael Kelechi Caulker
   Nika Cavat
   Michael Caylo-Baradi
   Steve Ceniceros
   Michael Ceraolo
    Cerise
   Robert Cesaretti
   Cheryl Chambers
   Lita-Luise Chappell
   Shibani Chattopadhyay
   Lisa Cheby
   Beth Cheng
   Ralph-Michael Chiaia
   Juhi Chowdhury
   David Christensen
   Terry Clark
   Phil Clark
   Terry Clark
   Darice Clark
   Charles Claymore
   Jeanette Clough
   Kim Cochran
   Ed Coet
   Tobi Cogswell
   Megan Coker
   Bruce Colbert
   Karen E. Cole
   Merrill Cole
   Christopher Coleman
   Larry Colker
   Beverly M. Collins
   Christiane Conésa-Bostock
   David Concepcion
   Christiane Conesa-Bostock
   Brendan Connell
   Alice Constantine
   Jack Cooper
   Flavia Cosma
   Rachel Coventry
   R. Paul Craig
   David Cravens
   William Crawford
   Natalie Crick
   Rosemarie Crisafi
   Carla Criscuolo
   Chris Crittenden
   Benjamin Crowley
   Susan Culver
   Joe Cyr
   Jim D Babwe
   Morgaine d'Abney
   Karen Corcoran Dabkowski
   Daniel Daian
    Dalton
   Catherine Daly
   Iris Dan
   Marie Lecrivain & Daniel Gallik
   Dan Danila
   Michelle Daugherty
   Piper Davenport
   Kathrine David
   Gareth Davies
   Holly Day
   Frank De Canio
   Gregory De Feo
   Steve De France
   J de Salvo
   J. de Salvo
   kumari de Silva
   Pijush Kanti Deb
   Shalla DeGuzman
   JD DeHart
   Diane Dehler
   Aurelius Demarco
   Darren C Demaree
   Gloria Derge
   Chris Derrico
   Lea Deschenes
   Maurice Devitt
   Theo Diamantis
   Mike Dias
   Martin Dickinson
   Edward J DiMaio
   Mark Dixon
   Peggy Dobreer
   Rosemarie Dombrowski
   Francisco J. Dominguez
   Linsly Donnelly
   Lisa Helene Donovan
   Kevin Doran
   Marvin Louis Dorsey
   John Dorsey
   Marvin Dorsey
   Laura A. Lionello & Douglas Richardson
   Doug Draime
   Donelle Dreese
   Dale Duke
   Jawanza Dumisani
   Henri Dumolet
   Max Dunbar
   Robin Wyatt Dunn
   t. joseph dunn
   Tyler Dupuis
    Durenda
   Walter Durk
   Douglas Dvorkin
   Ron Dvorkin
   Amitabh Vikram Dwivedi
   Alfie Ebojo aka alfie numeric
   Elisabeth Adwin Edwards
   Patricia J. Edwards
   Sabrina Edwards
   Miguel Eichelberger
   John Elison
   Julian Ellis
   Neil Ellman
   K. Eltinaé
   R.M. Engelhardt
   Margarita Engle
   Jon Epstein
   Sufi Erter
   Eli Eshaghian
   Michael Estabrook
   Alexis Rhone Fancher
   Richard Fein
   John Feins
   Emily Fernandez
   Melissa Fischer
   W.S. Fisher
   Jamie Asae FitzGerald
   Amelia Fleetwood
   Jake Fleshner
   John Jay Flicker
   David Flynn
   Arthur Charles Ford
   Liz Fortini
   Sesshu Foster
   Heather Fowler
   Clint Frakes
   Sarah Francois
   Amelie Frank
   Amélie Frank
   Alex M. Frankel
   Allie Frazier
   E.L. Freifeld
   M. Frias Frias-May
   Suzanne Frost
   Delia J. Fry
   Elliott Gabay
   Steven Gabriel
   Timothy Gager
   Daniel Gallik
   J Gamble
   Ishmael Garay
   Jerry Garcia
   Daniel Garcia-Black
   Gabriella Garofalo
   Vince Garofalo
   Yvonne Garrett
   Nelson Gary
   Donna Gebron
   Ulrike Gerbig
   Janice Gero
   Ursula T. Gibson
   Rebecca Gimblett
   Tony Gloeggler
   Steve Goldman
   Vesna Goldsworthy
   Melanie Gonzalez
   Jeffrey Graessley
   Allison Grayhurst
   Jeff Green
   Timothy Green
   Jeanie Greensfelder
   Rhoda Greenstone
   Amos Greig
   John Greiner
   John Grey
   Summer Griffiths
   Danielle Grilli
   Brian Grillo
   John Grochalski
   Wendy Grosskopf
   Andrew Grossman
   Ro Gunetilleke
   Kenneth Gurney
   John R. Guthrie
   Debashish Haar
   Erik Haber
   Hedy Habra
   Tresha Faye Haefner
   Matthias Hagedorn
   James Hall
   Tom Hamilton
   David Harrington
   William Harris
   Matt Harris
   Dawnell Harrison
   J. Alana Hauenschild
   Kari J. Hayes
   KJ Hays
   Ann L. Healey
   Eloise Klein Healy
   Jessica Healy
   Jim Heavily
   Dan Hedges
   Paul Hellweg
   Samantha Henderson
   Jack Henry
   David Herrle
   JD Heskin
   Kenneth Hickey
   Jerry Hicks
   Marvin R Hiemstra
   Ed Higgins
   Carlos Hiraldo
   Sherri Hoffman
   Guy Hogan
   Ali Hosseiny
   Dave Houston
   Nate Howard
   David Howard
   Eric Howard
   Bryon D. Howell
   A J Huffman
   Hunter Lee Hughes
   Roger Humes
   Trista Hurley-Waxali
   Elizabeth Iannaci
   Thea Iberall
   Armine Iknadossian
   Gedda Ilves
   Alegria Imperial
   Victor Infante
   Victor D. Infante
   Augustus Invictus
   Susan Irvine
   Alexandra Isacson
   Natalie Itzhaki
   Amber Jacob
   Scott Jacobson
   Larry Jaffe
   Sonika Jaggi
   Emmanuel Jakpa
   Matthew James
   Andrea Janov
   T.A. Jennings
   Ivan Jenson
   Dani Jimenez
   Alex Johnson
   Michael Lee Johnson
   Lois P. Jones
   Tao Jones
   Strider Marcus Jones
   Georgia Jones-Davis
   Jasmin Jordan
   Quentin Josephy
   Liu Jue
   Ruth Juris
   Gene Justice
   Gary Justice
   Pete Justus
   Mikel K
   Scott C. Kaestner
   Sheema Kalbasi
   Peycho Kanev
   Rachel Kann
   Jay Kantor
   Paula Sfier Kattan
   Russ Kazmierczak
   James Keane
   Gretchen Keer
   Aaron Keller
   Collin Kelley
   Kamuran Kelly
   Raud Kennedy
   Bernard Kennedy
   Kathleen Kenny
   Stephen Kerr
   Hari Bhajan Khalsa
   Just Kibbe
   Jerome Kiel
   lalo kikiriki
   Robert S King
   Franklin Lafayette King
   Ashley King
   Sofia Kioroglou
   Rusty Kjarvik
   Kenny Klein
   LeAnne Kline
   Deborah P Kolodji
   Tracy Koretsky
   Edith Kornfeld
   George Korolog
   Dimitris P. Kraniotis
   Thomas KrÀmer
   Mark Krewatch
   Chris Krueger
   Amanda Krut
   Gerard Kuc
   Christopher Kuhn
   Donna Kuhn
   Len Kuntz
   Craig Kurtz
   Tammy Ho Lai-Ming
   Daniel Lambert
   Anthony Langford
   Donald Langosy
   Ray Lanthier
   Phillip Larrea
   Phillip Larrea
   Kasandra Larsen
   Wolf Larsen
   Ethan Latham
   Lisa LaTourette
   Marie Lecrivain & Laura A. Lionello
   Marianne LaValle-Vincent
   Kevin Lavey
   Judith A. Lawrence
   Eric Lawson
   Richard Leach
   Marie Lecrivain
   Anne Lecrivain
   Noah Lederman
   Pete Lee
   Kevin Patrick Lee
   Emma Lee
   N.M. Leepsa
   Alexandra Leggat
   Laura LeHew
   Gary Lehmann
   Sharmagne Leland-St. John
   Kevin LeMaster
   Michal Lemberger
   Kim Leng
   Roland Lesterin
   Tiffany Lettieri
   P.A. Levy
   Martin Lewis
   Cheyenne Lewis
   Anthony Liccione
   Cynthia Linville
   Laura Lionello
   Zachary Locklin
   Jessica Lopez
   Harold Lorin
   Tess. Lotta
   B.D. Love
   Adam Lowis
   Ron Lucas
   Andrew Lundwall
   Rick Lupert
   Suzan Lustig
   Radomir Luza
   Stosh Machek
   John MacKenna
   Sarah Maclay
   Stefanie Maclin
    Magdalena
   Gary Maggio
   Holly Magill
   Anthony Magistrale
   Marieta Maglas
   Suvi Mahonen
   Donal Mahoney
   Robert Maiolo
   Kelly Ann Malone
   Michael Malota
   Shahé Mankerian
   Angela Consolo Mankiewicz
   Chris Mansell
   H.E. Mantel
   April-May March
   Rick Marlatt
   John Marshall
   Agnes Marton
   Francis Masat
   Anthony Mason
   Lee Mason
   Hyatt Mason
   Johnny Masuda
   Mira N. Mataric
   Ellyn Maybe
   Michelle Mazzetti
   Mary L. Mazzocco
   Ted Mc Carthy
   Austin McCarron
   Terry McCarty
   Paul McConnell
   Brendan McCormack
   Deborah McCreath-Akbar
   Catfish McDaris
   Bray McDonald
   Karen J McDonnell
   Matt McGee
   Allen McGill
   Afric McGlinchey
   Terance James McGunigle
   David McIntire
   Cat Angelique McIntire
   david mclean
   Isobel McQueen
   Fernando Meisenhaulter
    Mephistopheles
   Corey Mesler
   Melissa Michaels
    Mike the Poet
   Scott Miller
   Richard Lee Miller
   Robert John Miller
   Hany Haggag Abdl Mobdy
   Richard Modiano
   William Mohr
   Sonnet Mondal
   Jason Monios
   Leslie Monsour
   Amanda Montei
   Patrick Mooney
   Greggory Moore
   Carl Moore
    Albert Lee Moran
   A.J. Morelli
   Christopher Mulrooney
   Frank Mundo
   Barbara-Marie Mundt
   Augusto Munoz
   Mark Murphy
   Craig Murray
   Kristine Ong Muslim
   JL Nathan
   Nimah Nawwab
   Leslie Maryann Neal
   Jason Neese
   Raghab Nepal
   Robbi Nester
   Mindy Nettifee
   Martina Reisz Newberry
   Beth Escott Newcomer
   Peter Nezafati
   Scott Nichols
   keith niles
   Dave Nordling
   Aire Celeste Norell
   Steve Norwood
   Laura Nye
   Toti O'Brien
   Charlotte O'Brien
   Suzanne O'Connell
   Katie O'Loughlin
   Peter O'Niell
   Tom O'Reilly
   Akor Emmanuel Oche
   A.J. Odasso
   Rita Odeh
   Kirsten Ogden
   Daniel Olivas
   Maurice Oliver
   Marc Olmstead
   Philip ONeil
   Nzingah Oniwosan
   Chika Onyenezi
   Nina Orlovskaya
   Sergio Ortiz
   David Ishaya Osu
   Scott Thomas Outlar
   Holly Painter
   Lizbeth Palma
   Heather Palmer
   Greg Patrick
   Miss Natalie Patterson
   David E. Patton
   Tim Peeler
   Steve Pelcman
   Angel Perales
   Alice Pero
   Angela J. Perry
   Helen Peterson
   Brenda Petrakos
   Adam Phillips
   James G Piatt
   Rebecca Pierce
   Gareth Pike
   James Pinkerton
   Rob Plath
   Kushal Poddar
   Contributors to poeticdiversity
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   Traian Pop Traian
   Bethany W Pope
   Wayne E. Popelka
   Elisha Porot
   Adrian Potter
   Ren Powell
   Frank Praeger
   Luke Prater
   Kristena Prater
   Shannon Prince
   Stephany Prodromides
   Hattie Quinn
   Octavio Quintanilla
   Beverly J. Raffaele
    Raindog
   Catherine Rajca
   Steve Ramirez
   Mauricio Alejandro Ramos
   Vishnu Rao
   Ingrid Rattay
   James Rauff
   Kasey Ray
   Bili Redd
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   Marie Rennard
   Luivette Resto
   E.W. Richardson
   John Richmond
   Francisca Ricinski-Marienfeld
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   Lillian Ridgeway
   Dee Rimbaud
   Elijiah Rios
   Cat Risinger
   Ariel Robello
   Ebi Robert
   John D Robinson
   Paula Rodriguez
   Nydia Rojas
   Daniel Romo
   Emily Rose
   Rina Rose
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   Poet-broker Rosenthal
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   Walter Ruhlmann
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   Cody Rukasin
   Cody Rukasin
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   Maryann Russo
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   April Salzano
   Bryan Sanders
   Lisa Marie Sandoval
   Cecile Sarruf
    Sasparella
   Ethan Sassouni
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   Lorraine Sautner
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   Anthony Seidman
   Oleg Semonov
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   Dahn Shaulis
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   Lee Sloca
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   Danielle Smith
    smzang
   Kate Soto
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   Jonathan Taylor
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    The Unarmed Man
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   Ilona Timoszuk
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    TJungle
   Chrys Tobey
    tolbert
   Imani Tolliver
   A. TOMIC
   Anthony Torchia
   Mary Torregrossa
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   Ryan Tranquilla
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   Pedro Trevino-Ramirez
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   Maja Trochimczyk
    Troy
   The TruthHearse
   Tatiana Tulskaya
   Yelena and Roman Tunkel
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   Brenda Varda
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   Carmen Vega
   Ms. Veronica
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   Clee Villasor
   Ajise Vincent
   Curran D. Vinson
   Jason Visconti
   Anca Vlasopolos
   Daniela Voicu
   Claire Walker
   toren wallace
   r.k. wallace
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   Denise R. Weuve
   Rev. Dave Wheeler
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   Kelley White
   Leigh White
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   Martin Willitts, Jr
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   Jessica Wilson
   Robert D. Wilson
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   Seth Woolf
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   Omar ZahZah
   Mariano Zaro
   Michael Zeltser
    
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Curran D. Vinson
August 2006
   

 

?Ho!

I. Patterns




The creaminess of her Cherokee-flavored brown skin twelve years aged, her long black curly hair reaching down to her waist, and then out as she leaned over me she was beautiful. I could feel her raining all of the lessons of her father down on me, and I was open, my mouth wanting the wetness of his kiss, set upon the softness of her lips, his tongue prompting her to spill herself into my mouth; she taught me the lullabies of his sing-song seductions.




Free will - when a grown man is using his cock to cleave you into pieces - is a fable.

A story sang to other children to keep them hoping that one day the power to change their lives will belong to them, and that they are sovereigns spinning through a shiny little universe on tiny feet - free from the gravity of mommy's and daddy's decisions, but for my momma, as she lay there, staring at the ceiling - her eyes dead, and her chocolate lips clenched to bleed, my momma knew different.

Momma was remembering a time long ago when a woman, an old voodoo witch, whose husband my grandmother was having an affair with, had cursed my grandmother and all of her kin.
"You will never know happiness, never know love, never know innocence. You will be dogs in human skin, you wont see prosperity, only wanting.

How real does that curse seem now, as she lies on a floor encrusted with plaster and glass shards, crack pipe stems, like his fingers, cut into her haunches. The smell of him pouring down on her, flooding her eyes and nose, choking her screams into staccato whimpers.

Life takes on another shade in this place with its broken windows and jagged rancid air.

Sick shadows pool in urine soaked corners. The setting Sun draws them out and they begin to spread like blood, spreading darkly across the back of her daisy-patterned ankle length dress.

Momma knew different. Free will was lost to her that day, and everyday after that. From being two and in her mothers arms, to being 16 and on this dirty floor with a mouth full of this mans sweat; she wasnt in control and never would be. Later; when my mother told me the details of the first time that she was raped, she said that all she could think about was me, and how afraid she was that I would not escape the curse

When I think back on being molested, I cant remember anything about it that I didnt like - except, maybe, for the time Teresa stuck the stick pretzel in her cootchie and tried to persuade my sister and I that it would be okay to eat afterward.

Everything, from the tingling fascination of how good doing little things could make me feel: someone caressing my chest while speaking the ABC song into my ear, and then drawing the letters from the cleft of my throat to the tip of my penis, her hands and lips teaching me the more sublime meanings of "Z."

The softest hands; they haunt me, even today I feel them tracing lines all over my body, and every lover takes me back to those first moments under the tents or deep inside the house, under the covers in the darkest room.

The most difficult part of my molestation was the waiting, and the anticipation; knowing that Regina was coming over always made me giddy and impatient, or as impatient as a five-year-old had the right to be. I would start building the tent hours before she came, my stomach full of a falling feeling. Four socks tying the four corners of my sisters sheets to the four posts that formed the divide between our beds. My sheets were only used when it was absolutely necessary because they were blue and opaque, so the light from the room couldnt shine through - in which case we would be unable to see - and seeing was very important.

The creaminess of her Cherokee-flavored brown skin twelve years aged, her long black curly hair reaching down to her waist, and then out as she leaned over me she was beautiful. I could feel her raining all of the lessons of her father down on me, and I was open, my mouth wanting the wetness of his kiss, set upon the softness of her lips, his tongue prompting her to spill herself into my mouth; she taught me the lullabies of his sing-song seductions.

Doris had the same enthusiasm for the visuals; she would tell me all of the time that I was beautiful,
Im not a girl," I would always respond with little boy indignation.

Doris was my hero woman as well. Id fallen into the apartment swimming pool and she was the only one who saw that I couldnt swim, and she jumped in to save me. How could I not love her, and give her kisses; sweet, innocent, wet little kisses flew from my mouth to her cheeks, tingling and moist, leaving tingling trails wherever they went. Shed chide about how sensitive the inside of her thigh was to these wet little presents of mine, so she asked me to use my teeth instead.




It never felt like anything bad was happening, but I guess thats not the point- bad isnt necessarily about a feeling.



My mother was very busy tending to our survival. So much of what Im about to tell escaped her notice completely. She was only 19 at the time, so Im not sure that my babysitters, rattling around the thinly veiled tomb of their own broken and hollowed-out sexuality would have registered as anything but the much welcomed zeal of a fellow; a nubile partner someone to trust.

The streets of Pampa, Texas gave life to many such partnerships: bodies, diseased and broken moving towards destinations that are not their own; stacked in vertical rows, sweaty and foul; babies, born of the vacuum, tiny voices whispering treaties of milk and honey; they have to, to survive, form chains of sweat and bone, one body upon another until the smell of disease fades into a uniform misery where no one breathes.



Momma was beautiful; even at 15 she possessed all the raw sexual magnetism that had been passed to her by her father, the venerable Billy Ed Vinson, lord and patriarch of the Vinson clan who, along with four women, claims to have fathered at least 30 children. Sexual accessibility has plagued my mothers mother, her grandmother, my aunt, various cousins, and ultimately, myself, along with an inability to assert the sort of discretionary boundaries one would expect of someone of exceptional physical beauty.

Momma was pregnant by the time she was 14 by a man that Ive never known, and never really had the opportunity to know I think it had to be that way knowing what I know now; I understand that he had to leave, or she would never have chosen him, so I dont blame him, but I must say this; almost without a doubt, had I known him, this book wouldnt have been written.

Maybe hes away somewhere writing his own book of which, maybe Im a small sentence.










II. Someone




I wonder if I really like the way she tastes, or if when shes in my mouth Im only doing what comes naturally to me, in the end I guess it doesnt really matter, shell die all the same she always does.




My mother met, and married Robert L. McLean, a sergeant in the Air Force, someone that, if asked, I would have sworn that not only was he my father but also that he was the most intelligent, nurturing, and reliable person in the world and maybe, for that time, he was. Hes the only father I had ever known, and my history with him, until I was seven, was pretty base for father and son, but history doesnt always start with our memories.

My earliest memory of my father starts with me being about five and its Christmas. Ive gotten a construction site set; the type that has the crank wheel you have turn to move the little dump trucks around a track to dump the plastic gravel into a bin arranged in the center of the site.

Somewhere, theres a picture of me in my underwear surrounded by this huge yellow and orange track, smiling.

A picture; time snatched by fingers made of cellophane and light, and held in the breath of a memory. Often times they can be misleading, and other times they are an outright lie. I




Damn! The phone rings at the most inopportune times. How am I supposed to finish a flippin book about my life if every time I sit down to write my phone jumps in to stab me in the head? Its hard enough to focus on last week, let alone trying to talk about things that happened over thirty years ago. I was reaching for something crucial, something that may have opened passageways to other things, things more important than anything that I will encounter when I pick up this phone call

I could just ignore it and go back to where I was, but I promised Melissa I wouldnt do that any more - why dont I have caller I.D.? Writing is supposed to be therapeutic; why, then, do I feel so much angst?

Damn okay, I can always hope to come back and finish the chapter, but what if its April, Maria or especially, Carol that makes me shiver but the phone keeps ringing note to self- get a new answering machine.

Hello. Im always amazed at how composed my voice sounds to my own ears. No matter what I was doing before the phone rings; sleeping, running, fucking, I always sound the same - again this may be only to myself.

Hello?

Hi Curran, its just me, calling because I miss you again. What are you doing?
Every time someone calls me, they in my opinion - rely way too heavily on my (a) ability to remember their voices on the phone, (b) their being the only people that would ever think to call me, and I cant help but wonder if theyre as presumptuous with everyone else they know but I always play along. The truth is, I would sooner gouge out my tongue than to make any one of them feel less than the most special woman I know its what every woman deserves. There have been a couple of times, late at night, and early in the morning after drinking when I couldnt tell right away, and old habits save my ass, like calling all women baby.

Nothing baby, just getting a little writing done are you at home?

No Im walking to Petes to have some tea

Ah ha, its AprilDamn!

Green she says, yanking me from inside myself. Shes casually annoyed that Im not truly engaged in this conversation. I dont have to be because shell forgive me in the end; she always does.

Im sorry baby. What did you say? Whats green?

The type of tea that Im drinking, is green wheres Bryce? she cuts across, loosing a few of her subtlety points.

Hes still asleep. The conversation steps by the numbers. Without another syllable I know whats coming

Wow, he sleeps a lot- do you want to see me? she says with that presumptive little giggle she uses, and that laces the whole sentence with seeds of choiceless temptation; before I even think about the question old habits kick in again

Baby of course I do.

Its so automatic Im like a white mouse that people assume has some behavior outside of instinct that they mistake for intelligence, but really Its just hungry, no cognition - no thought - no charm- no desire just instinct, an involuntary response sharks bite humans out of instinct they dont even like the way we taste, but we die all the same. I wonder if I really like the way she taste, or if when shes in my mouth Im only doing what comes naturally to me. In the end I guess it doesnt really matter, shell die all the same she always does.



Its about 10:00 in the morning; Ive been up since about 7:00, and after going to bed at 3:00, I wish that I could say that its because I had been up writing. The truth is Im not sure what I do when Im up so late and by myself.

Sometimes, I just sit and think about all of the things that Im gonna do when the sun comes up, knowing that for one reason or another they all end up in fiction.

Other times, I sit and wait for an unexpected phone call from someone someone lonely, someone horny, someone reminiscing, someone in love it doesnt matter, any someone would do. I love the feeling of surprise, and validation that I experience when my phone rings at 2:30 in the morning - that someone would actually think to call me at such an unusual hour always surprises me, even though its what Ive been waiting for. Often times I wait for hours, check the ringer volume, obsessively checking to make sure the phone is at peak functioning condition, and finally, after making sure that the phone is hung up for the 10th time, I take the phone and place it on the pillow and wait for my someone to call.

Last night was a night of fiction; I sat planning the rest of my life in my head. I could see everything that I needed to do in order to save my family and myself. Tomorrow, I thought I would type up my resume, call around and have my business cards made, sit down and write in my memoir for at least an hour, think seriously about my relationship with Melissa, find a school for Bryce, and of course, work out. I might as well have thrown in leap a tall building
in a single bound while I was at it.


copyright 2006 Curran D. Vinson