Hi, my name is Lee, and I'm a poetry junkie. I want to talk to you about my poetic addiction.
Whether I was speed-reading, rapping, slamming, or free versing, those rhymes pounded straight to the right side of my brain. Those pulses and beats altered my senses of consciousness, giving me an out-of-body and an out-of-money experience! They inspired me to do more, be more than who I am, almost like, a real human being.
My problem started when I was spending more and more nights at open mic poetry readings instead of going home to deal with the wife and kids. This led to my brushes with the law: reading while driving or playing those damn poetry tapes way too loud; needless to say, I had my poetic license suspended.
I used to read the stock portfolio or technical manuals. Now, it has to be poetry, and I couldn't read just one. If I started, I would devour the poem to the last ababcdcd rhyming scheme. During my addiction, I would have 'blackouts' whenever I read The Wall Street Journal, or worse, I couldn't recall who the latest centerfold was.
Sometimes, I would get night sweats after dreaming of Edgar Allen Poe verses. In fact, most morning I couldn't get out of bed unless I first chanted a haiku. Of course, I would always feel guilty whenever I sneaked away during work to rhyme a quick mind-altering stanza in the bathroom. It was as if my body constantly hungered for the pathos in creamy sauce of poignancy.
Being a poetry junkie started out harmlessly enough; reading 1-2 poems a day,you know, a moderate and social reader. Then I was doing 15-20 a day, reading in some dusty used-book store, or smoke-filled coffee shop. I started out experimenting with Dr. Seuss' 'Green Eggs and Ham, Sam, I am.' Then it was on to Mother Goose. Pretty soon, it was Shakespeare, then e.e. cummings. The lowest point in my addiction was when I was ramming my brain with a lot of Pablo Neruda. You don't understand; I don't even speak Spanish!
I knew I had to stop being a poetry junkie. Here are some signs of this self-abuse that you might need to ask yourself:
You might be a poetry junkie,
- if you often find yourself lying naked in bed reading.
-if you have ink stains under your finger nails and teeth.
-if you use the words 'thou and thee' more than once a month.
-if your parakeet knows the phrase 'To be or not to be!'
-if your toilet paper has poetry written on it.
-if it takes you three years to rhyme two words.
-if you cry when reading Dr. Seuss.
-if you rewrite your poem in a Twelve Steps process.
-if after a good bowel movement you have the need to write about it.
-if your nipples ache during Iambic foreplay.
-if your children's and pet's names rhyme.
-if the caffeine or alcohol content in your blood exceeded your I.Q..
-if you can recite from memory your first poem from the fifth grade.
and lastly, you might be a poetry junkie,
if you don't think this list is sensitive enough!