The FCC Explains Television Censorship
Teenagers having sex orgies
while wearing their underwear-UNACCEPTABLE
(even if no penetration is being shown,
children will be likely to watch
at least 30 seconds of this depravity;
any more than that and premarital sex
Two female college students kissing
in a bar-UNACCEPTABLE
(female homosexuality is always
to be condemned; otherwise, pressure groups
will scream for us to bring back
the Television Code of 1966.
A young woman unbuttoning her jeans-
(now only allowed on shows like THE 700 CLUB
when Pat Robertson narrates a video
about teen girls getting drunk
and engaging in Satanic acts
like receiving lower back tattoos).
Use of the phrase
(what if children are tempted to reach into
a toilet bowl and do something unsanitary
Use of the words "dick" or "dickhead"-
(as long as they aren't synonyms for "penis";
can be used on shows like NYPD BLUE or 24
because we at the FCC are fans of coercion
techniques such as torture, police brutality
and holding up corporate megadeals
until Viacom and Time Warner pay their fines
and see things our way).
Not having a seven-second delay on the
2004 Super Bowl-UNACCEPTABLE
(even if Janet Jackson's breast was covered,
we would have proposed a fine for Kid Rock's
American flag poncho alone).
Being absolutely clear about
what constitutes obscenity in television-
(all we have to do is propose a few fines
and the networks, by becoming "extremely
cautious", do our job for us).
Thanks for reading this memo.
And, if you think about creating something
for television that may be offensive
or hurtful to just one person
in this great, God-fearing nation,
please remember that freedom is only a word-
not a reality.